Well well well everything comes to and end eventually - so did this horrible, horrific and terrible winter of 2009. The dolla in the north as mentioned before has finally let go and we have started our fantastic, exciting SPRING in SA .....I am so delighted that I cannot contain myself and frankly am not even going to try!

With the heat my brain is warmed up my body is ready to go (slow but she is getting there) and I feel wonderful! I am tired, overworked and still poor BUT NOTHING will get me down now because SUMMER is coming!

I am thinking about salads and fruit, swimming and tanning and having a pinacolada by the pool - these thoughts keeps me going the minute somebody bores me to death on negative stuff and the economy and the diesel prize and the hectic adverts for the SEX PO and mostly during boring meetings at work that endlessly turns into ego battles whilst no REAL work gets done.....

I feel more creative and there will be an explosion of activity as a result of this new vibe in my brain. All I can do now is thank mother nature for saving me her sunshine and her blue sky and giving me a new take on the same situations and same challenges...I will make the most of it and this summer will be one of my best ever I KNOW IT!

Hope the same goes for all of you guys and gals out there ......thank you for listening to all that I am ..

So I watched "sex in the city" recently 40 years after it's release - rather late than never is what I say - it was worth the wait as I was surprised that I actually enjoyed it! So here is my review, although after the fact BUT I have to make my opinion count you know! It was a nice mix of a good specimen of what I believe woman are like and how I experience aspects of myself - it is a little bit too "girlie" for my personal liking but "girliness" has it's place. I loved the fashion and did change my own approach to my own style after seeing it - mixing and matching more boldly and dressing more based on what I feel like than worried about whether it matches or if the colour coding is right - which is probably what "fashion" is really about in the centre of the storm yes!

There was a very explicit scene which I have to highlight out .... a man in a shower and a very short view of his pe*#s - in fact there was nothing short about the scene in fact after seeing that I will out of respect for him change my word substitute for the body part in question from king dingeling to church bell - something funny happens when you see a thing like that and I believe it completely works on the animal side of the beasts that we are - for women or myself rather I feel emotions somewhere between fear and admiration / turn on. But then the brain kicks in and I think well he cannot carry that around and be intelligent enough to string two sentences together as a result of being pre-occupied with the weight issue!

So I have resigned my job and will be starting a new phase in my life - my soul is going thru a lot of changes as usual but this time I have decided to take it one step up and am cleaning my entire act up as well - these moments are valid and need to be used well at the age of 37 (almost, only in October). I am excited and feel refreshed - hope that I can finally make that difference and impact I want to leave behind even more prominently.

Other than this I am sad that today is cold again - I have never wanted a winter to end the way I need this one to end and I think there must be some poor soul in the northern hemisphere that does not want her summer to end so we are having this battle in the collective conscious world that is prohibiting a shift of the seasons... I will win sister it just a matter of time!

World I love you - thank you for having me around and listening to me ....over and out!

So my body after years of neglect has decided to give me some serious signes of conking in - the girl has really taken a lot of abuse from me...last night I had some of the most painful moments in my life as I experienced the tooth ache from HELL....you really value stuff differently once you experience pain like that - you can actually right a whole book about what goes on in your mind when shots of pain moves through your body like that - the hole world stops spinning just for you and you are trapped in the moment with your body and the pain!

I have my dentist appointment tomorrow and this is another story that you can write a book about (I am sure some people have already done just that) or at least have been inspired by their dentist appointments to write books. The humiliation combined with the funny uncomfortable stings and sounds etc etc topped up by a feeling of vulnerability and exposure that must be under the top 5 of all normal silly experiences any human being has on this planet. Not a very talked about issue as I am sure most people rather want to forget about the dentist appointments they have had in their life!

I feel like I have a bit of an issue with my creative side and I have the suspicion that between my tooth ache + bladder infection and stress at work THAT side of me is on holiday being pushed away by too mush reality .....so needless to say I am just massaging the keyboard waiting for some inspiration - and it is NOT coming, so I am not going to board the computer, myself and YOU but rather say AS TA LA VISTA BABY until I am better.....thank you for listening anyway!

So I am out of fancy stuff now I quote ABBA for what it is worth to describe my absolute sensation of dispair regarding money in my life - I am sure there are many many people that are dealing with this little issue in their life in this year of 2009. It most certainly takes you to new levels within your own being that you did not know exist and it forces you to deal with issues that normal can comfortably lay dormant under the carpet in some back room in the great big world of your soul.

I have learned about minimalism like never before in my life over the last two weeks. Keeping a brave face and holding the line when all you want to do is run into the opposite direction away from the moment and whatever is in front of you!

Then I have moments where I read, see and hear of people that are really worse of than me that just has to deal with the fact that I have to count my pennies - I always think of the kids that has to face cold winter nights with hardly any protection from natures forces....I am really depressed and for the first time I think it is for the right reasons not because my ass is to big or my skin are not tight enough but because of hard facts of life , bottom line stuff to do with breathe, eat and you know what.....our consumer driven life has really brought us to a nasty place - but good as without this year we would have never been in a position to face up to our own greedy and selfish ways of living.

I do not pray enough but today I want to send a prayer way up high into the universe asking for mercy on our souls - and grace on our kids who suffer as a result of our unthoughtful actions.

On a lighter note I am seeing the first signs of this winter moving away - the sister really got to me this year in every way the cold was the final breaking point in my situation and mindset. I am so looking forward to summer I plan to suck up and stand still to catch every single ray of sunlight on my skin. I am going to abuse the pool and drink pinacolada's (if I have the money) until I just cannot anymore!

On an even lighter note my sister is in looovveee....I love that she is in love and I love LOVE it is so pretty and moving when it starts (she told me not to write about her in my blog) but it will take time for her to discover this little mentioning of her situation so I will use it and then deal with whatever she has to say when she does discover it - she is so in love I think it will be fine and she will be mush more lenient because of her state!

So now I will go and work for the biggest company in the world - selling black gold to needy consumers and greedy industries ......for all of us I hope every moment will bring us closer to what we need to know to live this life ...thank you for listening to all that I am.

Yes Yes Yes - thanks to my friend Claire and my husband prompting me to take my blog serious I have pulled myself out of bed this morning and decided to write something. I have gone places and have stayed at home over the last month and half. I have been ecstatically happy and depressingly sad and as usual have visited some very dark and very light places within my own SOUL, therefore the silence and the title of my current post!

Micheal have died the BOKS have done wonderful and very funny stuff and looks like they have been on the same type of journey I have been on. The winter is eating away at my SOUL and I am feeding myself in the front end with as mush food as I can, this of course is not good for my backend which is growing and being used for a lot of sitting in front of the gas heater.....so therefore I am ensuring the sister is padded well.I have visions of the summer coming and lifting my spirit and soul to a place where I feel inspired.

I am reading articles about people that believe time is moving faster and to some extend I agree bit there is something to say for age and experience which I believe my ripe 37 now allows me to talk about - with this reference you as an older person have the ability to freeze your own experience you have enough snapshots to refer back on and recognize all the different patterns - it might be new people and new surrounding but you recognize the repetition of it all and this creates the opportunity to freeze the moment at least for yourself - I dunno maybe I am losing it but I do get that feeling of slow motion and staring when I see the same thing happening over and over again in my life. I do believe this now creates an excellent opportunity to impact these moments as you go into what is called you power years from 35 - 50. I honestly believe NOW is the moment to make the difference, and I just hope I have the balls to do it!

Those of you watching CBeebies with you kids will know exactly what I am talking about, this tune has been going around in my head since the first time I heard it and I tell you it is not nice for me - anyway I have lost and found my own story about 79 times over the last week and 1/2 - therefore the silence on my blog - because there was too mush happening in my soul and I did not feel like bringing the whole world into my dark corner where I was trying to light up a fire with a broken lighter and wet wood ...

Lets start with some basics - ZUMA is doing well, and making some boxes green for a change, I love his Minister for Security or what ever whom I heard over the radio the other day making some hectic commitments of focusing on crime - his top being cash in transit robberies, hi-jacking, violent household robberies. You go Sir - bless you for finally wanting to work with the army and the local security companies to support the police - took you guys 14 years and a bit to figure that one out!

My next fantabulous moment while being busy with my new hairdo - thank goodness for that work in progress that has finally come into it's own - was a sms's from a company trying to sell stuff to me, asking me to unsubscribe to their mailing list by sending an sms at a charge of R3.00, have you ever seen such crap - now with mail in the olden days I use to just glance and chuck the stuff in the bin - now they want me to literally donate money to their crooked cause just in saying I do not want to part of their miserable way of making money! In principal of course I refuse to text back - and the story continues.....getting their sms's at the most horrific times and then trying to deal with the abuse with grace. Anyway at least my hair looks nice now, that is a good start!

Other fantastic moment over the last couple of days is dealing with people that does not have kids, all age groups these days have this condition, nothing wrong but I tell you their perspective is refreshing, still blaming their parents for all that went wrong mostly because they have not been a parent and obviously have no clue how mush mistakes parents make because it is so hard and the perfect action/answer or just energy escapes you at the most critical times and boom!!!your child has an issue for life - that they will talk about with their friends and lovers over the years to come.....then we are not even talking about the fairy fantasy that most girls walk around with until about 32 depending on her unique challenges but after that you can bet money the tale is shattered to pieces. I see them everywhere women chasing the perfect husband, the perfect house, the perfect career with the body & hair & outfits and the white picket fence.....why do we cling onto the fairytale ...

this brings me to having lost and found my own story about 79 times swinging between the fairytale and the icy cold realities of my daily routine and encounters. Those being hectic mornings where everybody is SO rushed we cannot find a brush, school ties or time to have a proper breakfast in peace, combined with traffic that looks like people are going on a mass exodus out the city, and fighting with your husband about the new puppies that chews cables and it's all my fault. Cherry on the cake of course is when your body starts with funny stuff like your skin breaking out at the age of 36 as if you are 14 (sit in a meeting with 10 other career obsessed males trying to look your age when this happens!) and then of course the story that has been talked about enough already YOUR SIZE - and how you are witness to your own changes silently in the mirror month on month that only you can see ...they are small but significant and a sign of time running out eventually ...

Yet I look at other women and I see them from the outside just coping fine - hair perfect, polite smiles, polite answers , no major shakes for the other sisters in my world...but then you sit them down and start a bit of chat and you see the story in Ballamore has a monster hiding away.....so far so deep ...

Well our new president looks like he has stuff under control so all we ladies have to do is sort our issues out, plan better like all the books say, make me time like all the books say, listen better like all the books say, love your body like all the books say.....

For those of you following the new "LOST" and I say new for SA (but maybe overseas it is about 2 series back from the newest "LOST" out) .....anyway watching it last night I said to my husband ..how many times can you watch the same dialog between people saying "you must go back to the island to save the people on the island"...response: "I do not want to go back to the island" - over and over - I am sick and tired of the dragged out suspense and frankly I am no longer in suspense because I have "LOST" the feeling for it - it is disconnected! So my comment is get with it and find yourself and your audience for fuck sake because we are now tired!

So I am currently testing SAP before it going live as a platform at my work - I have been dedicated to a team of people that has to test the system for 5 weeks - click ...click ...click and I tell you it is exciting man for a sales person that is use to being out in field doing real work this clicking shit can tick you over ...right over the edge in fact...but I will remain calm, carry my share of the load and get the job done like the good little cow in the herd that I am..

The winter has barged down door and all into my living room and smoking has become an issue in the cold - then I know the sister is here to stay....because all I want to do is eat and sit in front of a heater....anyway if one of those people from LOST asked me to go back to the island there will be no convincing to be done between the winter and sap testing I will take my odds on the island!

So I want to congratulate the BULLS for winning the SHARKS and wish them all the best for Saturday - that's all I have to say about that.....

Because life is not like a BOX of chocolates ......it is a fucking dark Forrest with monsters and dark places and wind constantly blowing in my face and making me loose my hairstyle which I still have not dealt with by the way...so let me go smoke in the cold catch up on emails and deal with my hair! Thank you for listening to all that I am and keep on looking for those moments of bliss!

So this morning started by having coffee looking at the aeroplanes landing - from our house we have the perfect view of how they come into land (relatively close), we can witness them from how they come into land from far right up to just before they land and disappear behind the houses, then hearing how the pilot puts on the breaks.....Sunday morning is busy because there is a lot of international flights (the big ones landing) bringing loads of people in from far away places ...no matter how mush I have travelled (and this is not a lot but I have done my fair part, locally anyway) I am still fascinated by aeroplanes and airports and all the stuff that goes with it.

It is a pivotal place with a lot of pivotal moments; airports and I suppose train stations - for me it sort of symbolizes the beginnings and endings of normal, yet significant life events all thrown together in one big soup and allowed to "Prut" for a bit at. Some people are crying, others are longing and some are ecstatic with excitement. The energy at airports are consistently high with anticipation - this I can tell no matter what time of day I found myself there I've gaged the intensity of it.

So anyway I was having a cup of coffee with my husband and father staring at the planes and discussing the logistics of my trip to Poland, all the details from when I will take off to when I will land , how tired I will be, what I need to look out for and then what will happen at home with Jacques and the kids while I am gone.......I must admit I am very excited even if it is just Poland where a lot of Jews have died, I wonder if I will pick up any of the energy of the horrid events ...is it a morbid place I wonder...with the little dealings I have had with people over there I gather they are NOT a happy lot and most certainly not a friendly bunch.

Then tonight as I walked into my office to type this piece I saw a aeroplane landing against the most beautiful sunset yet again - what a view! I hate and love Sunday afternoons - at the end of the weekend it is the moment when I find myself really relaxed and some of the "real me" starting to shine through all the routine and machine focused actions that clogs it all up, however I can feel in the far left corner of my tummy the nervousness about the Monday ahead of me starting to stir up - what will happen this week? what all do I need to do this week - will I survive it plus make the difference I hope to make?......

So here we are smack bang before Monday morning - God I hope it will be a nice one easing us into a nice, smooth week of stunning events and wonderful moments . Then this will be my wish for all of us - may we have bliss this week in the most unexpected moments and A LOT OF IT!

Thank you for reading about all that I am ....hope you have a nice Monday - and remember what I wished for all of us - look out for those moments....

So about an hour ago I am making breakfast at night - I always make breakfast when I do not know what to make and I am tired no matter what the time of day - looking at the African sunset thru the sliding doors visible from my kitchen - we have the most beautiful sunsets in the world and many a nights driving home from work way to late in my opinion the the African sunset is my company keeping my spirits up after a long day and stuck in traffic. It does have the ability to calm you down and is a very special time of the day.......

Then I start signing "Do you like PINACOLADA and making love in the rain" (hope you know the song) an old time classic and one of my favourites - because what goes with sunsets? You guessed PINACOLADA's and sex - perfect match for a winning recipe. (sorry but I cannot spell PINACOLADA and the spellcheck is not helping me here) Only the song is about doing it in the rain. I wonder how many people has had sex in the rain - maybe a lot in the UK, because all they have is fucking rain...I Dunno ...I never have though ...should remember to put that on my bucket list at the ripe age of 36 I can only imagine that it will be a hell of an exercise and I can guarantee you there will be cellulite slipping and sliding all over the place. But enough about my arse.

Let us talk about something that is hip and happening like the new Golf VW add with the amazing 3 legged leopard called "lucky" - what a spectaculor piece of work - that moment when you see his "the leopard's" face in the wind in the back of that car and you can almost feel the freedom in your bones expressed in his face - wonderful! Congrats to VW with this advert - it is original, different and touching on so many issues and things in such a simple way - and the girl is pretty and nogals down to earth how refreshing the whole set-up!!

Good things happened to me today - they were small but enough to move me , the day flowed nicely, the traffic was OK and things happened like clockwork, my kids look happy, my husband is kind and everywhere I went there were nice songs playing on the radio - what more can one woman ask for? Maybe money and sex in the rain but for today the others did the job!

Thank you for listening to all that I am - I strongly recommend comments on the sex in the rain issue, anybody from the UK have a message for us about this area in their daily routine? Or maybe some people in Africa ......let me know people - fuck I sound like I am ending off a radio show maybe it is all the good songs a heard today going to my brain!

So it took us 366 hours to get this new picture and to sort out the Indian flea market scenario but here we are ( see entry below on the previous condition of my site) ...I almost lost my cowgirl image but then found it in this picture , this is the image from my horse as I ride towards something - God know what but I am riding sisters!

It is a bit dreamy and a bit moving forward and it does implie a horse somewhere on the other side juuuust out of the camera lens. Anyway today was hard ....no light spaces only hard and dark .....it is days like these that makes me want to shop only for pajamas and slippers which is my new fetish I discovered - I used to when I was younger (about 35 or so...) only shop for suits and nice high heel shoes ..lately I walk into a shop and I find myself moving towards the pajama section with a haste in my step and of course the slippers dear god the slippers - and you get such nice ones lately making you want to put them on there and then as the cashier swipes your loaded credit card and you feel the sweat from stress about overspending and your feet pressed by the high heel shoes - but you stand and walk slowly, gracefully to the car while your shoes is pressing the shit out of you and you dream about getting home and wearing your soft, furry comfortable new slippers... why do we do these things to our feet ladies ....they are so important and touches the path that we walk first - I love feet it is one of my favourite things on my own body and the other bodies.....very understated and mostly hidden away but is speak volumes about the person and becomes evidence of the path they have walked!

Anyway my husband does not dig this pajama fetish and slipper issue of me SO mush as it most certainly does not exude a sultry display - not the ones I have a fetish about right now anyway....

Talking about pajamas it is time to go and sleep - the world is getting still and my mind is absolutely "vrot" for this day already .....nice talking to you and thank you for listening to all that I am....

So I am working with myself continuously and have come up with a picture of myself in my own mind....the cowgirl gone wrong....obviously because I see myself as a cowgirl on a horse, free spirited, close to the earth, hair blowing in the wind, wild as all hell, concurring life and the closest I get to this currently is wearing boots and denim occasionally....

My husband tells me my blog looks like an Indian flea market - so we discussed this in detail and a decision has been made to make a move towards more sophistication and easy on the eye stuff with a lot more interaction and ability for the reader to associate with me (so mush for my strive towards the right to simple language ! - I have got a couple of ideas and you can all look forward to a new decorated site as we will be working on it over the weekend .....mainly because it is free and it can be done! Underlying reason is because I am gunning (on my horse) to earn my right full place on the google top blog spot. So you support and joining me on my journey towards this place will be needed!

So today I am wearing boots and denim - on my way to some business review meetings, one on one's and tough discussion captured on the infamous slide packs, spreadsheets and pre-reads that has to be ticked, but I am still wild as all hell and going to ride this pony until she breaks.....cellphone in hand, earrings dangling in the wind (because my hair looks like something has gone wrong right now - well it is a work in progress just like my blog)!

I love and hate my life all at the same time - and intensely so..swinging from one extreme to the other hour by hour - how can I contain all of this effectively so that I do not appear like some "funny bunny"(which is debatable I am sure)......and the journey continues - good luck on yours if you are struggling with the same shit I am - if you have a better idea of how it can be done please make a comment and let me know!

So in light of Mothers day I have been thinking a lot about the challenge of parenthood and I realized while making food, cleaning the house and doing all the other fantastic, exciting jobs that goes with being a mother that it is probably one of the most soul challenging experience any human being can undergo....why? Well for me it puts me in places where I have to decide how mush sacrifice is just enough? When is the right moment to stop with the sacrifice as it is just ridiculous and not being appreciated and/or just bordering on martyrdom?And the my most favourite is the habits and behaviours that gets mirrored back to you by your kid that you did not even know exists within in you - ultimate moment is when you realized you have become JUST like your own mother (called subconscious mothering) and for the men it will be subconscious fathering - lovely these things that we are suppose to deal with! Favourite moment is when you see a being starting to shine thru that surprises you out of our own bracket! There is not a woman in the world that does not question her own mothering but for me I think it is just one of the most soul searching experiences I have ever encountered and it scares me shitless and often leaves me hating myself......I cannot talk about the responsibility and accountability as that is just why to scary and it is too early in the morning to go that deep!

So I am writing into my blog all my little arrogant and silent thoughts about life love and all the dark and white moments in between - it is something I have decided to do for my own process to document my thinking and really actually is "sommer" a diary but I have to ask for those that check in every now and again to please interact and make comments about what you read and experience when you have a look into my soul and my life - it will be "lekker" for me. Please?

My husband's "ouma" (grandmother) is currently staying with us and about 50% of my time has been consumed listening to her life stories and I love and hate these moments with her - she is 82 and shares the details of her hard and sometimes soul destroying stories with me while she is re-living them in her mind...what a journey....what a life...to witness how she is questioning and assimilating all the tales and 82 years of actions and non actions is such a learning for me..how she loved, how she hates and her own bitterness and resilience is just amazing! It kick starts of course my own processes for me in a dramatic way .......

So today I start by thinking about old people,young people and You people in between reading this story on the Internet........asking myself what the hell is this all about and I am doing this all while Zuma is probably planning yet another party to celebrate that he is finally president the Arsehole!!!!!!

So I find myself back in the routine of being a normal rat in the mill of life in Jozi - busy busy busy, it feels like I am never done and never get anywhere either because as soon as I get one thing done 15 comes in on the other side of my production line. I am not loving the people around me enough and when the moments come that I really have to pay attention I am exhausted and cannot focus!

Good things that happened is Mojo is back, my cat, I thought I lost her - WHAT a process and sending me to the dark corners of my soul feeling lost and lonely (see adventures of JK for pictures and other details around this fiasco).

With mothers day coming up of course I am sent into a spiral of questioning my own skills as a mother and the effectiveness rating that I give myself sucks naturally - one of the other shackles women carry once they have given birth.

My moments of bliss are coming more frequently than ever before in my 36 years on this planet as I let go of my own drive to be in control more effectively.... this is great news as I find myself in a better space more often and I am content with not getting every single thing on the tick list done purely because I trust the process more and feel that life will also take care of those little thingies that I in all my arrogance could not attend too.....I suppose it is all about trust and surrender and a sense of confidence and peace inside. And you know what somehow it all still happens.

I am on my way to Poland according to my boss to go work with some smart slide pack producing people over there - I heard this yesterday! I am in two minds about this trip coming up as I know it will be hard work, I'll have to leave my family for a while (3/4 days only but that is long for me) yet I do feel some excitement of seeing something new and experiencing a country and people that I have no reference field for - goodness who ever thought I will go to Poland of all places.......!

So now the day continues......and I pray that my kids will survive this rainy cold day and have fun as well as hopefully learn something of value at school ....I hate these rainy days in Jozi traffic somebody is bound to get hurt ....God please have mercy on our souls as we travel on the roads today!

So most of today consisted of cleaning making food, some sleeping, kids running around all the mundane tasks you have to do to stay alive........so it is just here were my trouble starts because as you know while the body is busy with these routine tasks the mind is suppose to be still because it is not really being challenged or busted with some challenging concept so now this does not happen - as I work my way from one action to the other my mind is racing away with me - thinking about the past, the future, what should have been and what could have been - taking myself on around every corner about not being good enough ...and ...and ...and - result... this makes me angry because I have this need in me to live a good life and to make a difference and it feels like I am not achieving it!!! - now the underlying wind in this emotional storm is the fact that I did to something of value today which was to finish Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert..along with 5 million other people in the world before me...now this is a woman that has taken some time to seriously discover herself and explore the world around her in her travels from Italy, India, Indonesia - this makes me upset because how the hell am I suppose to discover myself doing dishes, sweeping the floors, moving from one meeting to the next discussing stuff that I am really not interested but do feel challenged by because I am a sucker for abuse, we are not even talking about waiting my way thru traffic etc.etc.etc..I came to know her in my journey with her thru her book - she has been a good friend to me over the last 4/5 weeks while I've been reading her book now it's over - she sounds like she understands herself, reached bliss in meditative states and understands her universe and her GOD a lot better than me at least.....so now she has made me start praying and tasting food differently and also eager to meditate for hours - in my journey towards my own bliss. But for today I feel angry because as always I feel other people have more of everything than me - the ungrateful little bitch that I am...I go thru endless arguments and cycles of debate on this issue with myself never ending off with any real answers but always skipping from one level to the next. But then I do have moments where I am in utmost gratitude for all that I have achieved and all the love I have received and am able to give but the 20/80 principal here applies and I need to switch it to being like this 80% of the time! So I woke up from my sleep - in which I am sure Elizabeth appeared to me in my dream ,I really do feel that I connected with this women- sit outside smoking probably not looking to great (still waking up) and Jacques comes strolling towards me saying "what's wrong" I say "I am angry" Jk "with what" Lk "I dunno" because I most certainly do not feel like talking him thru it all as well! All he says is "do you want chocolates" as if this is going to fix my spiritual journey - I say "no an icecream" off he goes brings me back this lovely Heaven Almond Icecream and I tell you people, it does work for a moment there I had some bliss and I did not even medite or visit a medicine man in Bali!

So for all those arseholes talking about my grammer I just want to say stick it where it feels lekker my friends ...my grammer has never been the best side of my face and I can like to like it like that! So here I am camping and looking like shit....I think most people at work will run a mile if they see me like I am today but I do not care because my husband is still around - however barely I must say and I do believe he will not last longer than tomorrow ... which means tomorrow I will have to look pretty again .. the shackles that women have to bare in the pursuit of happiness! Anyway we had Nykita's birthday party on the 25th and if I thought that there is nothing worse than parenting to make me feel completely incompetent and like the most evil person on earth I was wrong - have a party for your kid at your home which will result in a lot of kids coming together at your home from all ages and cultures and sizes with various different needs from taking Ritalin at a specific time to not eating cake but needing some other funny thing that you do not have in your house - THEN we are talking the master moment of all incompetent moments only then will you start appreciating your work from 9-5 with every ounce in your tired body! You are then clamped by a mother fear that your kid is surrounded by funny creatures and then the calmness comes knowing that this is just life and these are just kids that will all grow up eventually becoming individual adults that contributes to all of this chaos in their own little way - never the less what a humbling moment it was for me running around and chasing after other people's kids. So then on the 26th I decided to make soup for the first time in my 36years on this planet earth - I hand picked all the ingredients ( in the shop for those of you that think I might have run in some field picking the shit) then listened carefully to the advice of my mother and then started cooking until I looked like shit!(which has not changed until now by the way) It came out ok and I plan to become the master soup maker before 40 but my worst moment was that I did not freeze the soup so when busy setting up camp I looked and saw the cooler box standing in the sun and realized there is no way those butter beans would have made it ...walked over and understood that this is the moment that I have to let go of all my hard work for one whole day and put it in the dustbin and try again another day - my heart was broken and I believe I will never be the same again - reading my husbands blog the moment for him was a lot more trivial than for me so I have to get over THAT as well! So here we are camping in the magalies at a place called Umaramba nice but I cannot help but feeling something is missing - maybe by the end of the lazy days here I will be able to tell you maybe it is summer , maybe it is my soup , I do not know.....There is not a lot of people here but still you find you stereotype campers - the two old people taking a break from their retirement ..up before anybody else has even thought about anything that made sence , the young couple in love having probably the most awesome sex in their little excuse of a tent, the camp DJ playing songs which I can hear in a distance making me feel like somebody else is having more fun than me...and then the couples with kids ..crying and faffing around the kids like us, kitted out and staring into space when they have a wee moment tired and NOT having sex in their BIG caravan because it is too cold and they are toooooo tired! ( I am lying it is NOT THAT bad) but you can see your middle aged people are keeping the economy together we all look like shit (maybe I must just say beauty I understand is in the eye of the beholder so I clearly am aware of what that says about me). From the 25th to the 27th I have not felt sexy for one second of the day and soo wish that I did but while I am going thru my own shit my kids are running around looking like they have energy enough for Africa and for a life time full of stuff to happen to them and this makes me happy. Most of my favourite memories are from camping and I know we are making some nice ones for them too now... in this moment here today at Umaramba....by the way 3G is like a dog that stalks you always there and you KNOW it...you are always connected and the rest of the world knows it too (like Mr Gibson saying I am a fly by night! and then of course the people at work ) so sometimes you just want to be not connected....but you are and yet when you are lonely and wanting to just interact with something there it is ready and waiting to keep you company....I will speak again tomorrow ..I am now listening to the DJ in the far distance and thinking about the cold night ahead knowing the young couple behind us will probably have sex in their excuse of a tent while myself and Jacques just try to survive the cold - will I survive it -we'll see?

So it is Friday - the best day of the week, because I have the week behind me and the weekend in front of me (so mush for staying in the moment) lots of stuff still not done and lots of stuff still to do. Woke up this morning in a frenzy with the kids and myself all late and confused and was it any other day in the week it would have been soooo much worse - the frenzy normally leads to screaming and crying and feelings of wanting to run far far away ....which I in fact attempted this morning in a funny way running after the car when my husband drove away and two very important envelopes was left behind which the kids are suppose to give to their teachers. It made them laugh because mommy is running in her pajamas like a mad women hair and tits all over the place ... but for me it was a strange experience because I do not run a lot (because I am in high heels most of the time walking from one boring meeting to the next - or just sitting and going thru excel spreadsheets about numbers that is suppose to make sense to me). But this morning I ran - it was fresh and my legs felt strong for some funny reason and I refused to let them go to school without these bleddy letters that I wrote with great effort! Talking about boring meetings ... I have recently noticed (known if for a long time but I go in and out of these states of awareness) the shit that people talk about in meetings and most of the time it is just a competition of who can say some little smartie pants thing about the topic on hand, no real action no real value and no real vuma - and this is the cycle I find myself in, working thru the bullshit looking for something that makes sense and that I can work with! This leads me to another topic which I believe I will talk a lot about THE RIGHT TO SIMPLE LANGUAGE heard about this while driving in the car two weeks ago on 702 and thought I could jump out and do a bit of a zulu dance in the street because some really smart person sifted thru the bullshit and said it like it is - not only that but took the liberty of slamming all these other clever word junkies and told them to get with the programme which in summary is say it like it is - take out all the fancy stuff that clogs up the sentence and confuses the meaning and just SAY it. I am going to work with this a lot more day to day from now and let all the smartie pants people our there that their message has not reached the desired outcome because WHY ...it does not make sense your ARSE WHOLE while my ears are bleeding and my brain is busted with all the useless info you give me! This would be a great opportunity to talk about presentation and slide pack but God there is only so mush time in one day as I could write a book about this one! Anyway have to go now to attend a couple of meetings and work my way thru some ego's in the commercial world that comes with their infamous slide packs that has been send my way to deal with on the LOVELY Friday!

So I voted yesterday - stood in a Que for 2 and half hours, did not experience the excitement other people seem to talk about on tv etc as the outcome of the votes is pretty mush set in my opinion which makes it less exciting than if it was undecided. I listened to all the boring conversation and adverts as part of the election campaigns and was sad because no party in my opinion really got creative with how they were running their campaigns which was disappointing after the US elections where such a nice example was set for how to do things differently. Seems our nation is still a bit stuck and just little glimmers of hope coming up here and there of intelligent remarks and care for the people showing - like 90% of the people in the world I hate politicians yet we stand like sheep in a Que hoping that our one little cross can make an impact voting for the men and women that are bound to go on some power trip after they have been selected! May some force have mercy on our souls after Zuma takes his presidency! What was more important for me was the fact that in all the voting hype we somehow silently missed the fact that it was earth day and only late last night I was watching some programs like the 11th hour and some biography about PETA and Ingrid something the lady that seems to be running the show there. Realizing that our earth is dying slowly is always a wake up moment and seeing how we blissfully carry on day to day stabbing her slowly and deeply - God we are an arrogant race. The most profound words I heard some guys say in the 11th hour is that we have to become slower and smarter, that sounds like such a simple solution to all our day to day issues but it makes so mush sense and it sits so lekker with me that I have decided to take this up from now as part of my new approach to all that I do - then again I think a about my two girls and I pray that they will have what it takes for the challenges that they will deal with in their lifetime. So today for their sake and all the animals and plants in the world I voe to make a change to how I approach all the little things that I do from wasting to consuming, I will take charge of my own consumer driven plastic approach to all around me and go slower and smarter with what I do - so in fact I am casting a mush more important vote than the one on the ballet paper I did yesterday (which was for Auntie Hellen by the way - she needs to kick ass!) my vote is for mother earth and all that she nurtures - I will love her back for the life she has given me for the first time that I am breathing her air! So now I continue to love my husband better, cook the occasional meal for my family with love, take care of my one cat and one bird with more love, and adore my girls for who and what they are .....the human condition is a ironic one in deed - as we swing from dark to light day by day trapped in all the grey moments in between!

It has taken me 40 hours and 32 seconds to compile this blog, with my husbands assistance (of course I am exhagirating - that is something that I do by the way) - I am now tired but my mind is still busy. Finding a picture that brings me across effectively was the first big hurdle and I must admit looking at pictures of myself has never been one of my favour ate things and I often after doing so I have to eat a whole cake or sit and cry somewhere just to feel better! I have 36 years worth of stories, drama and amazing moments that I feel I want to share with the world, over and above this desire I am in huge need to give comments and criticize and maybe even find solutions for all the shit going on around me and with me which might be my way of contributing to something or someone, or maybe I should just get off my ass and do something about it, then again maybe not for now .....I will wait until I have enough guts!
What I want to talk about and a lot of the theme of this blog is based on the "purple pearl" which is an interesting concept that I found out about the other day (for those of you that have read eat, pray,love by Elizabeth Gilbert- it was reading her book I found this piece of info) - she talks about how they monitor brain movement in people with scans with the objective of trying to establish stuff about aura's and then they discovered that when you think busy thoughts the colors of the brain goes between red and yellow - so they scanned the brain of a monk while he was going into meditation to see what does the moment look like when he achieves what is called the ultimate moment of connection with the universe, god, your soul whatever and on the scan once he was completely calm and in a trans-like state the whole brain became dark with a purple colored section in the middle - this is called the "purple pearl" that moment that all makes sense, your are calm, grounded and one with your surroundings - and this my dear friend is what I am looking for .... talk later have to go sleep now and have cigarette, yes I smoke... a lot!