So most of today consisted of cleaning making food, some sleeping, kids running around all the mundane tasks you have to do to stay alive........so it is just here were my trouble starts because as you know while the body is busy with these routine tasks the mind is suppose to be still because it is not really being challenged or busted with some challenging concept so now this does not happen - as I work my way from one action to the other my mind is racing away with me - thinking about the past, the future, what should have been and what could have been - taking myself on around every corner about not being good enough ...and ...and ...and - result... this makes me angry because I have this need in me to live a good life and to make a difference and it feels like I am not achieving it!!! - now the underlying wind in this emotional storm is the fact that I did to something of value today which was to finish Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert..along with 5 million other people in the world before me...now this is a woman that has taken some time to seriously discover herself and explore the world around her in her travels from Italy, India, Indonesia - this makes me upset because how the hell am I suppose to discover myself doing dishes, sweeping the floors, moving from one meeting to the next discussing stuff that I am really not interested but do feel challenged by because I am a sucker for abuse, we are not even talking about waiting my way thru traffic etc.etc.etc..I came to know her in my journey with her thru her book - she has been a good friend to me over the last 4/5 weeks while I've been reading her book now it's over - she sounds like she understands herself, reached bliss in meditative states and understands her universe and her GOD a lot better than me at least.....so now she has made me start praying and tasting food differently and also eager to meditate for hours - in my journey towards my own bliss. But for today I feel angry because as always I feel other people have more of everything than me - the ungrateful little bitch that I am...I go thru endless arguments and cycles of debate on this issue with myself never ending off with any real answers but always skipping from one level to the next. But then I do have moments where I am in utmost gratitude for all that I have achieved and all the love I have received and am able to give but the 20/80 principal here applies and I need to switch it to being like this 80% of the time! So I woke up from my sleep - in which I am sure Elizabeth appeared to me in my dream ,I really do feel that I connected with this women- sit outside smoking probably not looking to great (still waking up) and Jacques comes strolling towards me saying "what's wrong" I say "I am angry" Jk "with what" Lk "I dunno" because I most certainly do not feel like talking him thru it all as well! All he says is "do you want chocolates" as if this is going to fix my spiritual journey - I say "no an icecream" off he goes brings me back this lovely Heaven Almond Icecream and I tell you people, it does work for a moment there I had some bliss and I did not even medite or visit a medicine man in Bali!

So for all those arseholes talking about my grammer I just want to say stick it where it feels lekker my friends ...my grammer has never been the best side of my face and I can like to like it like that! So here I am camping and looking like shit....I think most people at work will run a mile if they see me like I am today but I do not care because my husband is still around - however barely I must say and I do believe he will not last longer than tomorrow ... which means tomorrow I will have to look pretty again .. the shackles that women have to bare in the pursuit of happiness! Anyway we had Nykita's birthday party on the 25th and if I thought that there is nothing worse than parenting to make me feel completely incompetent and like the most evil person on earth I was wrong - have a party for your kid at your home which will result in a lot of kids coming together at your home from all ages and cultures and sizes with various different needs from taking Ritalin at a specific time to not eating cake but needing some other funny thing that you do not have in your house - THEN we are talking the master moment of all incompetent moments only then will you start appreciating your work from 9-5 with every ounce in your tired body! You are then clamped by a mother fear that your kid is surrounded by funny creatures and then the calmness comes knowing that this is just life and these are just kids that will all grow up eventually becoming individual adults that contributes to all of this chaos in their own little way - never the less what a humbling moment it was for me running around and chasing after other people's kids. So then on the 26th I decided to make soup for the first time in my 36years on this planet earth - I hand picked all the ingredients ( in the shop for those of you that think I might have run in some field picking the shit) then listened carefully to the advice of my mother and then started cooking until I looked like shit!(which has not changed until now by the way) It came out ok and I plan to become the master soup maker before 40 but my worst moment was that I did not freeze the soup so when busy setting up camp I looked and saw the cooler box standing in the sun and realized there is no way those butter beans would have made it ...walked over and understood that this is the moment that I have to let go of all my hard work for one whole day and put it in the dustbin and try again another day - my heart was broken and I believe I will never be the same again - reading my husbands blog the moment for him was a lot more trivial than for me so I have to get over THAT as well! So here we are camping in the magalies at a place called Umaramba nice but I cannot help but feeling something is missing - maybe by the end of the lazy days here I will be able to tell you maybe it is summer , maybe it is my soup , I do not know.....There is not a lot of people here but still you find you stereotype campers - the two old people taking a break from their retirement ..up before anybody else has even thought about anything that made sence , the young couple in love having probably the most awesome sex in their little excuse of a tent, the camp DJ playing songs which I can hear in a distance making me feel like somebody else is having more fun than me...and then the couples with kids ..crying and faffing around the kids like us, kitted out and staring into space when they have a wee moment tired and NOT having sex in their BIG caravan because it is too cold and they are toooooo tired! ( I am lying it is NOT THAT bad) but you can see your middle aged people are keeping the economy together we all look like shit (maybe I must just say beauty I understand is in the eye of the beholder so I clearly am aware of what that says about me). From the 25th to the 27th I have not felt sexy for one second of the day and soo wish that I did but while I am going thru my own shit my kids are running around looking like they have energy enough for Africa and for a life time full of stuff to happen to them and this makes me happy. Most of my favourite memories are from camping and I know we are making some nice ones for them too now... in this moment here today at Umaramba....by the way 3G is like a dog that stalks you always there and you KNOW it...you are always connected and the rest of the world knows it too (like Mr Gibson saying I am a fly by night! and then of course the people at work ) so sometimes you just want to be not connected....but you are and yet when you are lonely and wanting to just interact with something there it is ready and waiting to keep you company....I will speak again tomorrow ..I am now listening to the DJ in the far distance and thinking about the cold night ahead knowing the young couple behind us will probably have sex in their excuse of a tent while myself and Jacques just try to survive the cold - will I survive it -we'll see?

So it is Friday - the best day of the week, because I have the week behind me and the weekend in front of me (so mush for staying in the moment) lots of stuff still not done and lots of stuff still to do. Woke up this morning in a frenzy with the kids and myself all late and confused and was it any other day in the week it would have been soooo much worse - the frenzy normally leads to screaming and crying and feelings of wanting to run far far away ....which I in fact attempted this morning in a funny way running after the car when my husband drove away and two very important envelopes was left behind which the kids are suppose to give to their teachers. It made them laugh because mommy is running in her pajamas like a mad women hair and tits all over the place ... but for me it was a strange experience because I do not run a lot (because I am in high heels most of the time walking from one boring meeting to the next - or just sitting and going thru excel spreadsheets about numbers that is suppose to make sense to me). But this morning I ran - it was fresh and my legs felt strong for some funny reason and I refused to let them go to school without these bleddy letters that I wrote with great effort! Talking about boring meetings ... I have recently noticed (known if for a long time but I go in and out of these states of awareness) the shit that people talk about in meetings and most of the time it is just a competition of who can say some little smartie pants thing about the topic on hand, no real action no real value and no real vuma - and this is the cycle I find myself in, working thru the bullshit looking for something that makes sense and that I can work with! This leads me to another topic which I believe I will talk a lot about THE RIGHT TO SIMPLE LANGUAGE heard about this while driving in the car two weeks ago on 702 and thought I could jump out and do a bit of a zulu dance in the street because some really smart person sifted thru the bullshit and said it like it is - not only that but took the liberty of slamming all these other clever word junkies and told them to get with the programme which in summary is say it like it is - take out all the fancy stuff that clogs up the sentence and confuses the meaning and just SAY it. I am going to work with this a lot more day to day from now and let all the smartie pants people our there that their message has not reached the desired outcome because WHY ...it does not make sense your ARSE WHOLE while my ears are bleeding and my brain is busted with all the useless info you give me! This would be a great opportunity to talk about presentation and slide pack but God there is only so mush time in one day as I could write a book about this one! Anyway have to go now to attend a couple of meetings and work my way thru some ego's in the commercial world that comes with their infamous slide packs that has been send my way to deal with on the LOVELY Friday!

So I voted yesterday - stood in a Que for 2 and half hours, did not experience the excitement other people seem to talk about on tv etc as the outcome of the votes is pretty mush set in my opinion which makes it less exciting than if it was undecided. I listened to all the boring conversation and adverts as part of the election campaigns and was sad because no party in my opinion really got creative with how they were running their campaigns which was disappointing after the US elections where such a nice example was set for how to do things differently. Seems our nation is still a bit stuck and just little glimmers of hope coming up here and there of intelligent remarks and care for the people showing - like 90% of the people in the world I hate politicians yet we stand like sheep in a Que hoping that our one little cross can make an impact voting for the men and women that are bound to go on some power trip after they have been selected! May some force have mercy on our souls after Zuma takes his presidency! What was more important for me was the fact that in all the voting hype we somehow silently missed the fact that it was earth day and only late last night I was watching some programs like the 11th hour and some biography about PETA and Ingrid something the lady that seems to be running the show there. Realizing that our earth is dying slowly is always a wake up moment and seeing how we blissfully carry on day to day stabbing her slowly and deeply - God we are an arrogant race. The most profound words I heard some guys say in the 11th hour is that we have to become slower and smarter, that sounds like such a simple solution to all our day to day issues but it makes so mush sense and it sits so lekker with me that I have decided to take this up from now as part of my new approach to all that I do - then again I think a about my two girls and I pray that they will have what it takes for the challenges that they will deal with in their lifetime. So today for their sake and all the animals and plants in the world I voe to make a change to how I approach all the little things that I do from wasting to consuming, I will take charge of my own consumer driven plastic approach to all around me and go slower and smarter with what I do - so in fact I am casting a mush more important vote than the one on the ballet paper I did yesterday (which was for Auntie Hellen by the way - she needs to kick ass!) my vote is for mother earth and all that she nurtures - I will love her back for the life she has given me for the first time that I am breathing her air! So now I continue to love my husband better, cook the occasional meal for my family with love, take care of my one cat and one bird with more love, and adore my girls for who and what they are .....the human condition is a ironic one in deed - as we swing from dark to light day by day trapped in all the grey moments in between!

It has taken me 40 hours and 32 seconds to compile this blog, with my husbands assistance (of course I am exhagirating - that is something that I do by the way) - I am now tired but my mind is still busy. Finding a picture that brings me across effectively was the first big hurdle and I must admit looking at pictures of myself has never been one of my favour ate things and I often after doing so I have to eat a whole cake or sit and cry somewhere just to feel better! I have 36 years worth of stories, drama and amazing moments that I feel I want to share with the world, over and above this desire I am in huge need to give comments and criticize and maybe even find solutions for all the shit going on around me and with me which might be my way of contributing to something or someone, or maybe I should just get off my ass and do something about it, then again maybe not for now .....I will wait until I have enough guts!
What I want to talk about and a lot of the theme of this blog is based on the "purple pearl" which is an interesting concept that I found out about the other day (for those of you that have read eat, pray,love by Elizabeth Gilbert- it was reading her book I found this piece of info) - she talks about how they monitor brain movement in people with scans with the objective of trying to establish stuff about aura's and then they discovered that when you think busy thoughts the colors of the brain goes between red and yellow - so they scanned the brain of a monk while he was going into meditation to see what does the moment look like when he achieves what is called the ultimate moment of connection with the universe, god, your soul whatever and on the scan once he was completely calm and in a trans-like state the whole brain became dark with a purple colored section in the middle - this is called the "purple pearl" that moment that all makes sense, your are calm, grounded and one with your surroundings - and this my dear friend is what I am looking for .... talk later have to go sleep now and have cigarette, yes I smoke... a lot!