For those of you following the new "LOST" and I say new for SA (but maybe overseas it is about 2 series back from the newest "LOST" out) .....anyway watching it last night I said to my husband ..how many times can you watch the same dialog between people saying "you must go back to the island to save the people on the island"...response: "I do not want to go back to the island" - over and over - I am sick and tired of the dragged out suspense and frankly I am no longer in suspense because I have "LOST" the feeling for it - it is disconnected! So my comment is get with it and find yourself and your audience for fuck sake because we are now tired!

So I am currently testing SAP before it going live as a platform at my work - I have been dedicated to a team of people that has to test the system for 5 weeks - click ...click ...click and I tell you it is exciting man for a sales person that is use to being out in field doing real work this clicking shit can tick you over ...right over the edge in fact...but I will remain calm, carry my share of the load and get the job done like the good little cow in the herd that I am..

The winter has barged down door and all into my living room and smoking has become an issue in the cold - then I know the sister is here to stay....because all I want to do is eat and sit in front of a heater....anyway if one of those people from LOST asked me to go back to the island there will be no convincing to be done between the winter and sap testing I will take my odds on the island!

So I want to congratulate the BULLS for winning the SHARKS and wish them all the best for Saturday - that's all I have to say about that.....

Because life is not like a BOX of chocolates ......it is a fucking dark Forrest with monsters and dark places and wind constantly blowing in my face and making me loose my hairstyle which I still have not dealt with by the way...so let me go smoke in the cold catch up on emails and deal with my hair! Thank you for listening to all that I am and keep on looking for those moments of bliss!

So this morning started by having coffee looking at the aeroplanes landing - from our house we have the perfect view of how they come into land (relatively close), we can witness them from how they come into land from far right up to just before they land and disappear behind the houses, then hearing how the pilot puts on the breaks.....Sunday morning is busy because there is a lot of international flights (the big ones landing) bringing loads of people in from far away places ...no matter how mush I have travelled (and this is not a lot but I have done my fair part, locally anyway) I am still fascinated by aeroplanes and airports and all the stuff that goes with it.

It is a pivotal place with a lot of pivotal moments; airports and I suppose train stations - for me it sort of symbolizes the beginnings and endings of normal, yet significant life events all thrown together in one big soup and allowed to "Prut" for a bit at. Some people are crying, others are longing and some are ecstatic with excitement. The energy at airports are consistently high with anticipation - this I can tell no matter what time of day I found myself there I've gaged the intensity of it.

So anyway I was having a cup of coffee with my husband and father staring at the planes and discussing the logistics of my trip to Poland, all the details from when I will take off to when I will land , how tired I will be, what I need to look out for and then what will happen at home with Jacques and the kids while I am gone.......I must admit I am very excited even if it is just Poland where a lot of Jews have died, I wonder if I will pick up any of the energy of the horrid events ...is it a morbid place I wonder...with the little dealings I have had with people over there I gather they are NOT a happy lot and most certainly not a friendly bunch.

Then tonight as I walked into my office to type this piece I saw a aeroplane landing against the most beautiful sunset yet again - what a view! I hate and love Sunday afternoons - at the end of the weekend it is the moment when I find myself really relaxed and some of the "real me" starting to shine through all the routine and machine focused actions that clogs it all up, however I can feel in the far left corner of my tummy the nervousness about the Monday ahead of me starting to stir up - what will happen this week? what all do I need to do this week - will I survive it plus make the difference I hope to make?......

So here we are smack bang before Monday morning - God I hope it will be a nice one easing us into a nice, smooth week of stunning events and wonderful moments . Then this will be my wish for all of us - may we have bliss this week in the most unexpected moments and A LOT OF IT!

Thank you for reading about all that I am ....hope you have a nice Monday - and remember what I wished for all of us - look out for those moments....

So about an hour ago I am making breakfast at night - I always make breakfast when I do not know what to make and I am tired no matter what the time of day - looking at the African sunset thru the sliding doors visible from my kitchen - we have the most beautiful sunsets in the world and many a nights driving home from work way to late in my opinion the the African sunset is my company keeping my spirits up after a long day and stuck in traffic. It does have the ability to calm you down and is a very special time of the day.......

Then I start signing "Do you like PINACOLADA and making love in the rain" (hope you know the song) an old time classic and one of my favourites - because what goes with sunsets? You guessed PINACOLADA's and sex - perfect match for a winning recipe. (sorry but I cannot spell PINACOLADA and the spellcheck is not helping me here) Only the song is about doing it in the rain. I wonder how many people has had sex in the rain - maybe a lot in the UK, because all they have is fucking rain...I Dunno ...I never have though ...should remember to put that on my bucket list at the ripe age of 36 I can only imagine that it will be a hell of an exercise and I can guarantee you there will be cellulite slipping and sliding all over the place. But enough about my arse.

Let us talk about something that is hip and happening like the new Golf VW add with the amazing 3 legged leopard called "lucky" - what a spectaculor piece of work - that moment when you see his "the leopard's" face in the wind in the back of that car and you can almost feel the freedom in your bones expressed in his face - wonderful! Congrats to VW with this advert - it is original, different and touching on so many issues and things in such a simple way - and the girl is pretty and nogals down to earth how refreshing the whole set-up!!

Good things happened to me today - they were small but enough to move me , the day flowed nicely, the traffic was OK and things happened like clockwork, my kids look happy, my husband is kind and everywhere I went there were nice songs playing on the radio - what more can one woman ask for? Maybe money and sex in the rain but for today the others did the job!

Thank you for listening to all that I am - I strongly recommend comments on the sex in the rain issue, anybody from the UK have a message for us about this area in their daily routine? Or maybe some people in Africa ......let me know people - fuck I sound like I am ending off a radio show maybe it is all the good songs a heard today going to my brain!

So it took us 366 hours to get this new picture and to sort out the Indian flea market scenario but here we are ( see entry below on the previous condition of my site) ...I almost lost my cowgirl image but then found it in this picture , this is the image from my horse as I ride towards something - God know what but I am riding sisters!

It is a bit dreamy and a bit moving forward and it does implie a horse somewhere on the other side juuuust out of the camera lens. Anyway today was hard ....no light spaces only hard and dark .....it is days like these that makes me want to shop only for pajamas and slippers which is my new fetish I discovered - I used to when I was younger (about 35 or so...) only shop for suits and nice high heel shoes ..lately I walk into a shop and I find myself moving towards the pajama section with a haste in my step and of course the slippers dear god the slippers - and you get such nice ones lately making you want to put them on there and then as the cashier swipes your loaded credit card and you feel the sweat from stress about overspending and your feet pressed by the high heel shoes - but you stand and walk slowly, gracefully to the car while your shoes is pressing the shit out of you and you dream about getting home and wearing your soft, furry comfortable new slippers... why do we do these things to our feet ladies ....they are so important and touches the path that we walk first - I love feet it is one of my favourite things on my own body and the other bodies.....very understated and mostly hidden away but is speak volumes about the person and becomes evidence of the path they have walked!

Anyway my husband does not dig this pajama fetish and slipper issue of me SO mush as it most certainly does not exude a sultry display - not the ones I have a fetish about right now anyway....

Talking about pajamas it is time to go and sleep - the world is getting still and my mind is absolutely "vrot" for this day already .....nice talking to you and thank you for listening to all that I am....

So I am working with myself continuously and have come up with a picture of myself in my own mind....the cowgirl gone wrong....obviously because I see myself as a cowgirl on a horse, free spirited, close to the earth, hair blowing in the wind, wild as all hell, concurring life and the closest I get to this currently is wearing boots and denim occasionally....

My husband tells me my blog looks like an Indian flea market - so we discussed this in detail and a decision has been made to make a move towards more sophistication and easy on the eye stuff with a lot more interaction and ability for the reader to associate with me (so mush for my strive towards the right to simple language ! - I have got a couple of ideas and you can all look forward to a new decorated site as we will be working on it over the weekend .....mainly because it is free and it can be done! Underlying reason is because I am gunning (on my horse) to earn my right full place on the google top blog spot. So you support and joining me on my journey towards this place will be needed!

So today I am wearing boots and denim - on my way to some business review meetings, one on one's and tough discussion captured on the infamous slide packs, spreadsheets and pre-reads that has to be ticked, but I am still wild as all hell and going to ride this pony until she breaks.....cellphone in hand, earrings dangling in the wind (because my hair looks like something has gone wrong right now - well it is a work in progress just like my blog)!

I love and hate my life all at the same time - and intensely so..swinging from one extreme to the other hour by hour - how can I contain all of this effectively so that I do not appear like some "funny bunny"(which is debatable I am sure)......and the journey continues - good luck on yours if you are struggling with the same shit I am - if you have a better idea of how it can be done please make a comment and let me know!

So in light of Mothers day I have been thinking a lot about the challenge of parenthood and I realized while making food, cleaning the house and doing all the other fantastic, exciting jobs that goes with being a mother that it is probably one of the most soul challenging experience any human being can undergo....why? Well for me it puts me in places where I have to decide how mush sacrifice is just enough? When is the right moment to stop with the sacrifice as it is just ridiculous and not being appreciated and/or just bordering on martyrdom?And the my most favourite is the habits and behaviours that gets mirrored back to you by your kid that you did not even know exists within in you - ultimate moment is when you realized you have become JUST like your own mother (called subconscious mothering) and for the men it will be subconscious fathering - lovely these things that we are suppose to deal with! Favourite moment is when you see a being starting to shine thru that surprises you out of our own bracket! There is not a woman in the world that does not question her own mothering but for me I think it is just one of the most soul searching experiences I have ever encountered and it scares me shitless and often leaves me hating myself......I cannot talk about the responsibility and accountability as that is just why to scary and it is too early in the morning to go that deep!

So I am writing into my blog all my little arrogant and silent thoughts about life love and all the dark and white moments in between - it is something I have decided to do for my own process to document my thinking and really actually is "sommer" a diary but I have to ask for those that check in every now and again to please interact and make comments about what you read and experience when you have a look into my soul and my life - it will be "lekker" for me. Please?

My husband's "ouma" (grandmother) is currently staying with us and about 50% of my time has been consumed listening to her life stories and I love and hate these moments with her - she is 82 and shares the details of her hard and sometimes soul destroying stories with me while she is re-living them in her mind...what a journey....what a life...to witness how she is questioning and assimilating all the tales and 82 years of actions and non actions is such a learning for me..how she loved, how she hates and her own bitterness and resilience is just amazing! It kick starts of course my own processes for me in a dramatic way .......

So today I start by thinking about old people,young people and You people in between reading this story on the Internet........asking myself what the hell is this all about and I am doing this all while Zuma is probably planning yet another party to celebrate that he is finally president the Arsehole!!!!!!

So I find myself back in the routine of being a normal rat in the mill of life in Jozi - busy busy busy, it feels like I am never done and never get anywhere either because as soon as I get one thing done 15 comes in on the other side of my production line. I am not loving the people around me enough and when the moments come that I really have to pay attention I am exhausted and cannot focus!

Good things that happened is Mojo is back, my cat, I thought I lost her - WHAT a process and sending me to the dark corners of my soul feeling lost and lonely (see adventures of JK for pictures and other details around this fiasco).

With mothers day coming up of course I am sent into a spiral of questioning my own skills as a mother and the effectiveness rating that I give myself sucks naturally - one of the other shackles women carry once they have given birth.

My moments of bliss are coming more frequently than ever before in my 36 years on this planet as I let go of my own drive to be in control more effectively.... this is great news as I find myself in a better space more often and I am content with not getting every single thing on the tick list done purely because I trust the process more and feel that life will also take care of those little thingies that I in all my arrogance could not attend too.....I suppose it is all about trust and surrender and a sense of confidence and peace inside. And you know what somehow it all still happens.

I am on my way to Poland according to my boss to go work with some smart slide pack producing people over there - I heard this yesterday! I am in two minds about this trip coming up as I know it will be hard work, I'll have to leave my family for a while (3/4 days only but that is long for me) yet I do feel some excitement of seeing something new and experiencing a country and people that I have no reference field for - goodness who ever thought I will go to Poland of all places.......!

So now the day continues......and I pray that my kids will survive this rainy cold day and have fun as well as hopefully learn something of value at school ....I hate these rainy days in Jozi traffic somebody is bound to get hurt ....God please have mercy on our souls as we travel on the roads today!