So most of today consisted of cleaning making food, some sleeping, kids running around all the mundane tasks you have to do to stay alive........so it is just here were my trouble starts because as you know while the body is busy with these routine tasks the mind is suppose to be still because it is not really being challenged or busted with some challenging concept so now this does not happen - as I work my way from one action to the other my mind is racing away with me - thinking about the past, the future, what should have been and what could have been - taking myself on around every corner about not being good enough ...and ...and ...and - result... this makes me angry because I have this need in me to live a good life and to make a difference and it feels like I am not achieving it!!! - now the underlying wind in this emotional storm is the fact that I did to something of value today which was to finish Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert..along with 5 million other people in the world before me...now this is a woman that has taken some time to seriously discover herself and explore the world around her in her travels from Italy, India, Indonesia - this makes me upset because how the hell am I suppose to discover myself doing dishes, sweeping the floors, moving from one meeting to the next discussing stuff that I am really not interested but do feel challenged by because I am a sucker for abuse, we are not even talking about waiting my way thru traffic etc.etc.etc..I came to know her in my journey with her thru her book - she has been a good friend to me over the last 4/5 weeks while I've been reading her book now it's over - she sounds like she understands herself, reached bliss in meditative states and understands her universe and her GOD a lot better than me at least.....so now she has made me start praying and tasting food differently and also eager to meditate for hours - in my journey towards my own bliss. But for today I feel angry because as always I feel other people have more of everything than me - the ungrateful little bitch that I am...I go thru endless arguments and cycles of debate on this issue with myself never ending off with any real answers but always skipping from one level to the next. But then I do have moments where I am in utmost gratitude for all that I have achieved and all the love I have received and am able to give but the 20/80 principal here applies and I need to switch it to being like this 80% of the time! So I woke up from my sleep - in which I am sure Elizabeth appeared to me in my dream ,I really do feel that I connected with this women- sit outside smoking probably not looking to great (still waking up) and Jacques comes strolling towards me saying "what's wrong" I say "I am angry" Jk "with what" Lk "I dunno" because I most certainly do not feel like talking him thru it all as well! All he says is "do you want chocolates" as if this is going to fix my spiritual journey - I say "no an icecream" off he goes brings me back this lovely Heaven Almond Icecream and I tell you people, it does work for a moment there I had some bliss and I did not even medite or visit a medicine man in Bali!